Time is running out for Polaroid film so I'm determined to shoot a lot of it between now and its discontinuance. Yesterday at the Casulli's annual Memorial Day BBQ I carted along my old Crown Graphic press camera and about 30 sheets of film. Nothing else looks like this stuff (and never mind the caustic burns all over my hands today)...
Lou and I frequent the same little bar in Wayne, PA. I drink Fernet Branca and ginger ale while he has a few glasses of red wine. We don't talk all that much, but I usually ask him how his back is feeling and whether he got out of the house for anything fun (A: "I bought groceries and then went across the street to watch the little league games"). He asks me if the bartender he has a shine for asked about him the night before (A: "absolutely she did, and Lou, and she wasn't the only one").
Lou spent his life designing and building golf courses all around the U.S. until he was hurt in a machinery accident at an age after which most men would have already been long retired. Despite the pain that is always with him from the accident, he carries himself with dignity. He is rarely without a jacket and tie.
About three months ago I asked him if I could make his portrait. Lou is self conscious and shy so he didn't immediately agree (he also wanted to know why I wanted to make his portrait instead of asking one of the pretty bartenders). Only after Layla (another regular with greater persuasive powers than mine) encouraged him to do it did he finally give a nod.
A week or so later, he came by dressed for his picture. He decided not to wear hounds tooth so that it would be easier for me to paint. Somewhere along the line I must have failed to explain that I was a photographer and not a painter. But no matter, he looked exactly the way I expected him to look.
We made pictures for about an hour and a half. Mostly we shot 8x10 but he patiently sat through some 4x5 and even 11x14 as well. In between I shot a few hand held medium format pictures like the one above where he is waiting for me to load the 11x14 film holder. He didn't talk much, he just followed my instructions and sat very still for the long exposures when I asked him to. Mostly he seemed lost in his own thoughts.
This is another shot that I took with a hand held camera between 8x10 pictures. It turned out to be one of my favorites from the session. It captured him looking strong, like he's an executive an old school Vegas casino or something.
Unfortunately, I'm afraid Lou doesn't like the pictures much. I suppose, as an
objective-enough record, they just don't conform to the way he sees
(or remembers) himself. They must have disappointed him. He seemed
upset after I showed them to him. Only later did he think maybe I should make prints
for his seven children anyway, just as long as he didn't have to look
at them
I wish he felt differently about the pictures as I enjoyed making them and love the way I captured him. But maybe that's the problem, maybe I was being selfish to capture him the way I see him, now, with a mixture of respect and empathy. He probably just wants to see himself as the 35 or 40 year old Lou he remembers; the one at the height of his strength. Still, this is the way I see him; dignified, still, and still looking for something.
